Community Service
by a mountain of gideon's scones
Summary: So, when Claire and Myrnin redecorate Common Grounds, everything's just perfect! Right? WRONG! Watch the consequences and see just who Amelie dishes out the punishments to. For Schafferer. Humour fic. Main characters Claire, Oliver, Myrnin and Amelie. R


_So, this is for Schafferer, who wanted me to write a funny fic… though it seems when I think something __**isn't**__ that funny, you guys think it is… and vice versa… but enjoy!_

_I don't own anything!_

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"Myrnin," Oliver says to Myrnin with a bitter twist to his voice. "You had better run… oh and take Claire with you, if you don't want her to die," he tacks on the end, his fangs sliding down as he seems to get _even_ angrier.

"Uhoh," I murmur as he actually turns in my direction (Oliver, that is) and puts on his 'I'm going to kill you' face. That _really_ isn't a good sign. You wanna know why? Because the last person who got granted that face ended up dead… so, as you can probably tell, this isn't the best thing to be happening in the world…

"Run, Claire, run!" Myrnin hisses in a theatrical voice, throwing down the paint gun he was using to help redecorate Common Grounds… or rather, the redecoration that _he_ was leading and I was simply roped in to help with.

"_You __**know**__ you want to," he said to me in a seductive voice, holding the paint gun in __**such**__ an appealing manner. "He'll be in a meeting with Amelie __**all**__ morning… he'll __**never**__ catch us, if what I have heard about their meetings is true," he continued and that was all I needed._

"_Go on then," I said with a smile, taking the gun from him_.

I roll my eyes but begin to run out of the café, Myrnin hot on my heels to make sure that Oliver doesn't try and kill me from behind. For all his words, he wouldn't try and kill Myrnin because; a) Myrnin is older than him so could kick his butt without any problems and b) for all their mantra, vampires just don't kill other vampires. No, the only one who would be hurt in_ this_ little scenario would be me…

I wrench open the door and run in the shade to Myrnin's car, where I jump into the passenger seat, saying a prayer to everything plausible to pray to that I won't die on the way home. On the way here, I had to keep my eyes shut the entire time and pretend to myself that I was on one of those simulators and the noises of angst from Myrnin were just a tape designed to scare the rider.

Unfortunately, it didn't _quite_ work.

Myrnin jumps in the car next to me and grins widely, slipping the key into the ignition. I look over at him and realise that his clothes are saturated with the paint we were squirting all over Common Grounds' walls to make it prettier. Or rather, to infuriate Oliver since he doesn't particularly seem to like the colour pink… or any other colour that could be associated with him being gay.

"Home?" he asks me and I nod, looking down at my own appearance which, although it isn't as bad as Myrnin's, is definitely a little too colourful.

"Yes, Jeeves," I say with a grin, deciding that this had to have been _the_ best paid morning of work that anyone in the entire world could have had…

His brow furrows over as he pulls away smoothly (for Myrnin) from the curb as to why I called him Jeeves. "Child, I believe you are getting confused. My name is _Myrnin_, not Jeeves," he says but I shut my eyes and turn away, the fear for his driving already setting in.

"I know you're Myrnin, it's just… never mind," I begin to explain what Jeeves is but decide that I just don't have the inclination to spend the next four hours doing just this. So I let him think that he has won and instantly regret it… "Myrnin! You're supposed to keep your hands on the wheel!" I yell at him as I open my eyes to see he is combing back his hair as he drives at _seventy nine miles per hour!_

He shrugs and places one hand back on the steering wheel before screeching to a halt. "Your humble abode, young lady. Get out… I suppose that you ought to tidy yourself up for, you see, you appear to have had a _rather_ unfortunate mix with some paint," he says, chuckling to himself as though he has actually just said something _funny_ rather than just utterly… not.

I shoot him a look as I get out of the car, leaving the door open for a second to let some light in. he shrugs, not bothered about a little sun exposure, and waits for me to shut it. "Myrnin, you're the one covered in paint not me," I tell him before slamming the door with _slightly_ more force than necessary.

What a fun day!

OoOoOo

Of course, the fun _doesn't_ end there no, does it? It's not enough for Myrnin to have gotten to go and do everything we did to Common Grounds, no; we have to go back again.

Three am and he decides to ring me up saying, "Claire, my wonderful assistant, we are required in Common Grounds. _Do_ hurry… I was supposed to inform you of this hours ago but, well, I forgot," in his cheery tone, evidently not bothered about the time.

"You realise it's… _three am_?" I hiss at him down the phone, sitting upright in my bed as I become more and more awake.

"Yes, but Amelie wants to see us," he says with a slightly abashed tone… _damn_. I should have _known_ that Oliver would call in back up in the form of Amelie. If the rumours Myrnin has been feeding me are true, apparently they're in a relationship. Personally, I don't see it – she loved Sam too much to have moved on with _Oliver_ – but it is possible.

"Oh _yay_," I groan, standing up and beginning to get changed. "I'll be there in like five minutes, ok?" I say, snapping my phone shut before continuing to change. I slip out into the hallway but nobody seems to be up: if Michael is awake, he'll probably be in bed with Eve so nobody has been disturbed by my phone call.

Within three minutes, I am ready and so summon a portal to take me to Common Grounds: there is no way that I could get there by running in two minutes and anyway, the middle of the night around here is for _vampires_… and believe me, I don't feel like becoming fodder for vampires. Just going to see Oliver (and Amelie, if the rumours are true) is enough danger for the rest of my life.

I head through the portal and emerge in a place which is _supposed_ to be Common Grounds… but it looks nothing like it. The walls are painted bright pink and there are stencilled rainbows along the back wall. Unicorns are drawn on the side walls with lots of romance novels saying _property of Oliver_ scattered around the room to make it look like he owns them. Those dangly things that people who are really girly like to have, I don't know what they're called, are hanging behind the desk and there is a sign saying "Olivia's house" hanging next to it…

… I don't remember doing much of this. The only things _I_ remember doing was painting the walls and drawing on the stencils of the rainbows and the unicorn. I most certainly did _not_ put anything else in here.

I slip into the room and see Oliver and Amelie staring at me with looks of _extreme_ disapproval. Uhoh…. Not good, when they're looking like that. Myrnin is hiding behind them, seeming slightly more scared of Oliver than he was before – probably because Amelie is on Oliver's side right now, not his.

"Claire, can you explain yourself as to the decoration of the café?" Amelie asks me sharply, motioning for me to take a seat in front of her and Oliver. This is scary… it's like the firing squad, you stand in front of them to have your fate decided…

… Just in this case, if it was death I was getting it would be more death by fang than death by bullet. Just sayin'.

Myrnin looks over at me and is pleading, evidently having told them that I had much more to do with the redecoration than I actually did. Well, I'm not going to get myself into more trouble with vampires just to get him out of it.

"I helped with the painting of the walls and the unicorn… and the rainbow," I say slowly, thinking it through. "But that was only because Myrnin enticed me into it… but I didn't do anything else. My thoughts on the matter are that Myrnin returned sometime after he dropped me off at home and Oliver left to finish this off," I give my theory without even being asked, since Amelie's mouth was beginning to open and I knew that that would be her question.

She looks at me with a semi amused expression before turning to Myrnin with a disgusted one, before retuning to me again. "Pray, child, how did you know that I wasn't going to say pass me the butter or something entirely different to the unasked question you answered?" she asks me with a sense of irony in her tone.

I smile at this before it drops off my face, replaced with an entirely neutral expression for two reasons, one being that Oliver is giving me the death threat look again and the second that to smile at 3am is a crime against humanity.

"Um… because, well, you aren't eating anything," I answer the butter question first and she raises an eyebrow as if to say that was only an example silly child. "But the other reason is that you asked me that question when you were questioning me about when Oliver's house was broken into, when someone stole all your underwear and dissected it, um… when someone broke into the archives and desiccated a few of the vampire books that Myrnin hates and when the portraits of Oliver were drawn all over. So I hedged my bets and realised that as Myrnin was involved again, it would be the same question," I say, remembering some of the many things that Myrnin has roped me into over the past months. I'm worried for my self control, to be honest, as I ought to start to say no… but it's so much _fun_ to be bad, with a vampire to blame so that I don't get in any trouble.

Amelie looks at me with an almost proud expression but Oliver doesn't. he simply seems even more enraged, if anything. "I believe that the admission of guilt means that she ought to be punished… severely," he says sharply but Amelie shakes her head, evidently finding the situation hilarious but not wanting to say so.

"Myrnin, come here," she orders, and the humour in her voice and face seems to disappear as she looks at the chief culprit here. He slinks around the table to stand before her, next to me, and his hand rests lightly on my shoulder with an almost meek amount of strength. "_You_, not Claire, are the offender here; therefore you are the one who shall be receiving the punishment. Claire, you are only going to be in charge of supervising the two of them to ensure that they don't kill one another," she says wearily, evidently bored of both the clamouring males in her life.

Oliver turns to her in surprise and seems to wonder what on earth is going on. "Amelie, what do you mean the _two_ of them? There is only Myrnin in trouble, if you are incapable of punishing your pet," he insults me and Amelie in the same go, making Myrnin take a huge breath which is entirely fake.

"Oliver, for that you are _definitely_ taking part in community service with Myrnin," she says sharply. "I care nothing for your feelings other than to hope that you _enjoy_ the scrubbing out of the public toilets down town!" she hisses at him… ooohh, looks as if she _may_ be in a relationship with him, after all. "Claire, you may arm yourself with stakes and kill _both_ of these imbeciles if they try anything!" she says to me, still extremely angry.

From here, she stands up and moves towards the portal, leaving a fuming Oliver. "B-but what about Common Grounds and the walls and everything?" he asks her meekly, not wanting to rile her any further.

I sit up, wondering what she is going to say. For a moment, she seems to be considering getting us to clean it off – I can see it in her eyes – but then that fades and she smiles vindictively.

"Oliver, you are supposed to be a hippie, so I think the new décor is rather befitting," she says with an evil tone to her voice. "Oh, and it helps you with showing the world how _gay_ you are, doesn't it?" she continues… ooohh, maybe she _isn't_ with him.

He turns red…. Well, as red as a vampire can go. Suddenly he begins to try and talk but can't say anything through the fits of embarrassment that overtakes him at Amelie calling him gay. Myrnin, obviously, bursts out laughing but is soon silenced by a glare from Amelie.

"B- but you _love_ me," Oliver whispers to Amelie, falling to his knees… so maybe there _is_ something there! I don't know… it's too early to keep up! "You told me that you wanted me forever and that you _love_ me."

She hesitates before shaking her head and beginning to talk smoothly, slowly, like you do to a little baby. "Oliver, I think you are confused and need to drink something. Or _someone_," she says and I get a distinct scared feeling running down my back. slowly, I back away towards the portal I left to get to my room but nobody notices…

… instead, he pounces on Myrnin and tries to fight him before Myrnin wins. Oliver ends up on his back in like three seconds and is crying like a baby. What a surprise.

"Please don't make me do community service," he begs Amelie but she shakes her head and leaves.

Oh god… I'm in charge of these two!

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_Whatcha think?_

_Review, please!_

_Vicky xx_

_p.s... I, the crazy fool I am, am taking German next year at A-Level, even though I haven't done it for like 15 months since my last exam... but to get back into it, would anybody be interested in reading a fic if I write it in German? It wouldn't be long or anything...? Let me know XD_


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